December 2008
18 posts
Resolute in the New Year
- Drink less but more often.
- Cry less. No one likes a sad drunk.
- Don’t cry when eating, unless what you are eating needs salt. Tears, they’re nature’s salt shakers.
- Eat better and only when walking, so as to burn of the calories instantly. That’s smart eating!
- Get some really kick ass shoes. The kind of shoes that make people go, “Hey! Those are some...
If I Had A Band...
If I had a prog rock band it would be called The Piety Conundrum. Our first record would be, “Lake Fairies”. Our first hit single, Ancients, would be a 12 minute opus, cut down for radio play. We would break up after our fourth album, “Changelings”.
If I had a punk band it would be called The Right Cunts. Our first record would be, “Meet The Right Cunts”. Our...
Questions, Questions, Questions. (The modern mind...
Which Tear For Fears album is best?
Is it the Hurting, or is it Songs From the Big Chair?
The Hurting has Pale Shelter and Mad World, but Songs From the Big Chair has Mother’s Talk, Everybody Wants to Rule The World, Head over Heals and Shout.
These are the kind of things that used to keep me up at night, but now I just listen to Silver Springs on repeat and wonder, why is Stevie Nicks...
A Christmas Story is a Very Funny Film
Me-
I got Jesus a football for his birthday but he can’t use it, cause he’s dead.
J.-
Plus, it’s really hard to catch with holes in your hands. That is, unless it’s a hail Mary pass.
I’m writing this while pooping. Thanks, Steve Jobs, for making it so easy to get feces on your phone.
Hey! Anyone need to make a phone call?
I HATE CHRISTMAS LIKE SLY STALLONE HATES RUSSIANS...
1. Hey, it’s Christmas! Let’s listen to some old hacks butcher ballads about a baby and a star. What, no Supertramp? Why must I wait a whole holiday to hear Goodbye Stranger on the radio? Why?
2. It’s not my birthday.
3. Do you eat gingerbread houses or just look at them? The confusion is confusing. Fuck gingerbread and fuck houses.
4. Candy canes! That’s one big old...
June
I’m waiting for sunshine for the first time in my life. That’s more than a metaphor. I always loved the winter grey. The early darkness and frigid uncertainty spoke more to me than the long lazy days of humid hell between September and May. But now the chill bites too hard and my lungs struggle to pull in the hard air. My grandfather spent the war above the arctic circle and the cold...
UNREASONABLE REQUESTS
Do you want me to pick you up some ass creme?
Can I borrow your shoes?
Anybody got any chapstick?
May I face rape you?
Smell this.
Will you help me catalog my feces?
Are you Don Knotts?
Shall I shake your baby now?
More butter, please.
Go to sleep.
THESE CRACKERS IS CRAZY
Why do white people dance under giant projected MLKs?
Why do white people dance?
Why white people?
Why?
10 Commandments (the first draft, before the...
1. Anyone denying the goodness of hotdogs doesn’t get a hot dog. 2. When writing the word extreme always capitalize the “X” thusly, eXtreme. 3. Return that which is borrowed. Unless you’ve had it for a really long time, because then it’s like yours anyway. 4. Prince is really cool and bad ass even though he looks like a hot little Cholo girl. 5. Change your soiled pants right away. Don’t even wait...
Dance Macabre
You can dance if you want to, or you can pay someone to dance for you. Moral ambiguity is a luxury for the DJ. God knows the rest of us are sinners.
10 things they oughta put on tshirts.
1. I know what Muddy Waters is yelling about.
2. Spink Chigger
3. WWCNRD
4. Tina>Mick
5. Werewolves are real.
6. Irony
7. Graphics
8. Logo
9. Jesus hates candy.
10. Mexicans are people too… maybe.
3:23am
You can kick your heart down the hall past room 203 after each cigarette, but when the fire alarm fires off at 3am it’s best not to take the elevator. At least that’s what the andro-femme voice in the repeating alert keeps telling me. I thinks it’s best to turn up the volume and keep to your couch. If the world is going to burn down around you, it should have the decency to do...